Much like you, I never won.
Inevitably, some glassy eyed fink of a kid would win. He would offer no enthusiasm or, if he say, hopped up in a feigned expression of joy, it would come off as insincere as a politician. I think there was a conspiracy at work. I bet the memo at Toys R Us read something like this:
Dear Toys R Us Stock Holders,
The time has come again for us to choose a winner for our toy run. In order to minimize loss and maximize exposure, I would like remind our scouting teams of the criteria they must use to select a winner. Their job is to find children whose inabilities, ranging from pure girth to poor navigational skills, will render them nearly useless in a five minute shoplifting orgy. Our ideal candidate should have any/all of these qualities:
1-Fat kids. Fat kids, no matter how excited, will tend to wear out in 46 seconds or less according to our research. Often, they are misled by the easily replaceable stocks of candy and snacks in our stores. Such candidates should always begin their toy runs in vicinity of the sweetest of treats and as far from the expensive merchandise as possible. Also note: whereas your more nimble children would easily scale store shelves for the highest prizes, fat kids can only gaze longingly at the seemingly out of reach baubles. Both attempting to climb shelves/pondering the unreachable items burns time off the clock and puts money back in our wallets.
2-Easily intimidated youngsters. When these kids see the circus of people and humans in giraffe costumes staring at them through expressionless eyeholes, they'll crack faster than an egg under Oprah. Add a few TV cameras and bright lights and these chaps will be paralyzed with unadulterated fear. Even the lure of the shiniest Darth Vader helmet will have no sway over the frightened individual. Combine this fear with fat and you have a superb candidate.
3-Coordination. Make sure the child has not played or even dabbled in any athletic endeavors. Look for untied shoes and facial ketchup stains from errant attempts to place a frankfurter within the confines of the mouth. These are the types of children that will attempt to armsweep a full row of plush animals into a moving cart, only to have most of the stuffed critters fall harmlessly to the floor (and back into our inventory!)
4-Foreign kids. A great choice, especially if they are from third world countries. Where most American kids are fat, greedy little punks who want nothing more than boom boxes and Omnibots, your average Guatemalan tyke will selflessly aim for the useful products such as band-aids, blankets, sneakers, Lil' Jugs fruit drinks, and other practical (and easily replaced) sundries. Be sure to remove useful fixtures such as fire extinguishers, as they are costly to replace and inevitably end up in the carts of such children.
5-Poor navigation. A child that rushes up and down the GI Joe Aisle 6 times is our target here. Easily misled children will tend to have a hard time finding the cash register, which as we all know, must be attained for the legal exchange of toys to take place. Removing aisle numbers and placing the same item on every end-cap will further confuse these rugrats and ensure minimal loss.
In closing, our ideal candidate is a sheepish, overweight, uncoordinated, partially blind kid from Belize. Hopefully in finding the proper child, we will have that fatty so rattled he'll be lucky to exit the store with a handful of gummi worms.
Sincerely,
Geoffrey P. Giraffe
Founder and Overlord
See, it all makes sense.
Keep in mind, I still would enter the contest even at age 28 and I bet my enthusiasm would hardly be dampened if I won. Heck, I'm twice as big and fast as when I was 12, I would clean house. Let me know if they bring the contest back, ok?
Also: what has happened to the past winners? Assuming there were a few normal kids, did they expire at a young age, having reached a mythical state of enlightenment? Were they so satiated by their toy-fueled Nirvana that they no longer had anything to live for? Are they still now, years later, opening fresh toys from the spree and enjoying them in a leisurely garden where the sun always shines?
Or were they all the terrified fatties we saw winning year after year, no better for the experience?
The world may never know...
