So there I am peacefully sleeping, the torrents of wind blasting down from the mountains soothing me to dreamland. How rude was it that the wind should lift the neighbor's lawn chair and slam it into my bedroom window, terrifying the cat sleeping on the windowsill, causing her to leap onto my naked chest with claws akimbo. In my half-lucid state I felt like I had just been attacked by a rogue elephant with a piping hot metal rake for a trunk. My heart was beating so hard I could take my pulse in my eyes.

And speaking of the claws on the chest; I've seen similar wounds in soap operas on the hunky, hairless studs of the daytime drama world. Theirs were caused by something sexy: a firefighting injury, wrestling a wild tiger, leaping through a plate glass window to foil diamond thieves. Mine was caused by an 7-pound house cat and a poorly anchored lawn chair. I shouldn't be surprised though, most people who wear eye patches in real life either have pink eye or gouged themselves with a pencil while doing the Sunday Sudoku. Or else they only have one eye. The soap opera world has myopic heart throbs going pirate-style from some hot, steamy eye injury, perhaps the jagged press-on nail of a scorned lover who just couldn't resist the bad boy's irresistable studliness/lack of steroscopic vision.

Oh, and those guys probably never wear bright yellow Spongebob pajamas either.

Posted by James Dziezynski @ 12:49 AM