Rule 1 of life: women are not men. No where is this more apparent than when a baby makes their appearance in a room of otherwise normal human adults. Instantly, women are drawn into the little bundle of joy, mesmerized by the miracle of life still naive to pain, unfettered by fear and new to the world. Men, however, instantly look for something--ANYTHING--to do to avoid having to confront the smelly, puffy, ur-mammal writhing about and expelling assorted creamy fluids from random orefices. Broken toliets, car oil that needs changing, bathtub caulking, roof shingle replacement, shoelace repairs, polishing the mailbox--you name it, any excuse to escape man-to-baby interaction becomes urgent mission number 1. Ladies, let's make one thing clear--that poster of the oddly hairless dreamy hunk with bulging biceps cuddling the newborn is a staged shot, most likely manipulated with photoshop. The original dude was probably holding a football, which he gazed at lovingly, or perhaps a spiral cut ham. Forcing a man to hold a baby is like forcing a woman to hold a Playstation controller--they'll do it, but the awkwardness is crystal clear.
So, to avoid any confusion when all those buns pop our of their respective ovens, I present to you 5 Rules for new parents: How to deal with your baby and your guy friends:
Rule #1: Your baby is ugly.
Don't take it personally, all babies are ugly. From the fatty, twisted, pink face to the stubby bulbous fingers, from the spotty thin hair to the toothless maw crusted with discharge, human babies are right on par with newborn birds for visual appeal. In fact, it takes 4 or 5 years for humans to morph into something more pleasing to the eye and even then, random teeth and bad haircuts can prolong the period of awkwardness. Don't ask us if your baby is cute unless you want an honest answer (no, he/she is not). In fact, that is a question to ONLY ask to women, since they will always say yes, even if your baby looks like a misshapen fraggle. The best approach is to say, "Here is our baby" and leave it at that. Oh, and do not be offended when we cannot tell what gender your baby is, even if you put a darling bow on its head.
Rule #2: Your baby smells awful
Ah, if only little Johnny spit-up was a new car, he may have a distinct odor that would form a lasting bond in our scent memory. Alas, new baby smell is something like Chinese leftovers at best, manure based compost piles at worst. A thin veil of powder does nothing to hide the plasticy, vaguely hotdog-esque odor of new babies. Though it seems obvious, never ask anyone to smell your baby (unless they are a woman).
Rule #3: Do not make a man hold your baby.
This is an incredibly awkward moment for all involved. Never mind forcing someone to hold a hefty, uncoordinated, stinky human--men have no idea how to naturally do it. The more skilled males may attempt to hold them like a cat (by the scruff of the neck?) or say, like a serving platter. And it's no picnic for the baby either--the lunch buffet is gone for starters--remember, men's nipples are purely decorative--and much like animals, they can sense nervousness in their "handler", ensuring a full diaper load of fear to come forth. Just hold onto your baby or hand it off to a woman (strange as it may seem, women actually LIKE holding babies).
Rule #4: Do not put us on the phone with your baby.
Cell phone minutes aren't free! The last thing we need is two minutes of gibbrish to waste our time "talking" to a baby. And, if we actually are forced to communicate with the infant, the best we can manage is a creepy baby-voice that sounds like the effeminate puppet of any given old time morning kids show. If you must put your child on the horn, let them garble at a telemarketer.
Rule #5: One picture is more than enough, thanks!
Guys don't show you pictures of every down of a football game so there's no reason to force us to endure 786 pictures of the little stinker doing things ALL babies do. In fact, if the baby is there in the room there's no reason to show any pictures at all. Rememeber, rule 1-- all babies are ugly-- so you could actually show us pictures of 97 different babies and they'd all look generally the same. Keep one in your wallet and only present it when asked.
See, that shouldn't be hard right? Much like a dog that bosterously thrusts his nose into your guests unsuspecting crotches, you need to be aware that handing a baby to a man is a classic faux-pas. In a pinch, the San Diego Chicken can watch your baby (as seen above) while your adult friends and you partake in bowling or a conversation that lasts more than 43 seconds without interruption. A little foresight and all will be well, assuming the chicken doesn't actually eat your baby.
