To celebrate, I present this:
Top Ten Reasons Why John Rules
10. He is not only a member of the semi-exclusive "30 day month" birthday club, he's also a member of the much more prestigious "double Z in the last name club". Yes, I too am a member of both :) There's nothing quite like the awesomeness of being born in a 30 day month; 31--you're trying too hard! And February, ugh! Even at your best, you can only manage a mere 29 days. September, April, June, and November baby! That's where it's at.
9. Once broke out a plastic window 6 feet off the ground in New Jersey (at the highpoint, no less) to crawl in and umm, use the facilities. Despite the lawlessness of the break in, he took his time, clocking an astounding 12 minutes to "fulfill his destiny".
8. Buried a Mr. Miyagi toy in his yard while a young lad; expressed joy, yea elation, at uncovering the toy while a junior in college.
7. His mastery of most things TMBG and MST3K. Also, was the proud owner of a Crow "Bite Me" shirt.
6. Has bowled over 200 on several occasions.
5. Gave me a "John Ragozzine" chocolate for good luck when I moved to Colorado in 1999; I still have the golden wrapper on my desk at home for good juju.
4. Has accompanied me on most of my wildly ambitious high point trips, from Rhode Island and Jersey in a day to the Voodoo Vortex, John is a true road warrior and great traveling companion. Except when he's spilling 200 oz. beverages on Christina.
3. Loves Batman, Ultimate Frisbee, Mike Tyson's Punch Out and The Get Along Gang. Even that stupid beaver in overalls.
2. Has met in person, and viewed with his own eyes, the most prolific and important actor in film for our generation: Mark Linn-Baker, AKA COUSIN LARRY!
1. Is a great guy who has inspired me to better myself time and time again; he has a solid, well-haired-and witty head on his shoulders, one leg up on life, a new house, a fantastic wife, and is generally coming out ahead on points in the game of life.
Cheers to John! May you remain well-fed for years to come!
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Lots of stuff afoot on this fine November afternoon! First off, check out my first photo gallery in a while here. Since I couldn't make it home to see my family, Paul Retrum and I embarked on a great mountain biking trip to the desert in Fruita, Colorado. Fruita is right on the Utah/Colorado border and below the mountains, so it tends to get great weather year round. Also, a very happy birthday to my Grandmother, "Grammy B."! Here's to another year of great bowling, ocean walks in Maine, chicken dances, and continued culinary excellence!
Yet another happy birthday to John Ragozzine, pal extraordinaire. By my calculations and rough carbon-dating, he should be somewhere between 25-28 years old. May your maple syrup run thick and your cats not contract fleas (even the one named Fleabag). Besides not knowing John's exact age, I also don't know his exact birth date. My sources have it pegged for Nov. 30, though I have +/-2 ratio for this fact.
Well, December is almost upon us and so thus begins my frantic hunt for a plane ticket home. Wish me luck! Oh and if you see my parents, encourage them to get a real Christmas tree!
Friday, November 18, 2005
Boy, are you guys ever in luck (and by "you guys", I mean Marc). I got my copy of Heroes of the Lance, considered by many to be the worst video game ever made for the Nintendo Entertainment System. It's the gaming equivalent of the Ford Pinto. Personally, I think Muppet Adventure (sorry Amy!) and Where's Waldo are way worse than Heroes, but we'll see. My job this weekend, as a public service to you, is to play this game and see if it lives up to all its craptacular glory.
And in other nerdtacular news, if anyone can find the NES game Stadium Events, let me know-- I'll buy it off you for a whopping 20 bucks! ;)
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Some of you might remember my "Oprah with a wheel-barrel of meat" nightmare period. Right when I thought I had gotten past the disturbing images of that day in 1988, along comes this update.
67 pounds of meat. 15 years of nightmares. Oprah, it wasn't worth it for either of us.
67 pounds of meat. 15 years of nightmares. Oprah, it wasn't worth it for either of us.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
The crisp autumn air (finally) here in Boulder reminds me of the times I'd have to run for my life from a pack of vicious dogs.
When I worked at Glenbrook Country Club back in high school, one of my jobs was to bring two 50 lb. jugs of chlorine down to the pump house and dump them into our big old swimming pool. For those who haven't been there, let me paint a visual for you. The main building for the club was on top of a hill; about 600 feet (2 football fields) downhill was our picnic pavilion. To the left of the pavilion was our pumphouse, buried into the hill like a concrete World War 2 bunker. The challenge each morning was to get from the main building to the pumphouse (with 100 lbs of chlorine) before the "Evil Trio" would tear me apart.
The evil trio was a pack of wild dogs that lived in the dense woods that surrounded the country club. They were mangy and mean and had a penchant for early morning antics. Since I usually dumped the chlorine in before the parties began, I was their 7 AM wake up call. Remember that Wile. E Coyote cartoon where he and Sam the Sheepdog clock in and clock out to their jobs as "coyote" and "sheep dog"? It was similar to that, since the dogs never bothered me any other time.
They would emerge for different points in the wooded perimeter, usually as I was about halfway down the hill. My wobbly walk would turn into an arm-wrenching sprint for the pump house. Like any good action movie, they would be closing in on me as I fumbled for the keys to open the lock to the pump house. They never got me, but boy they came close.
Winded, I was prone to getting the chlorine on my clothes and shoes as I poured the heavy jugs into the pump water, which explains why all much of my apparel was stained with white blotches. I still have a "Roll the Bones" shirt from Rush out here in Colorado that has some of the blotches of honor.
Unlike the enemies in Mega Man, the trio was never there when I was done. I'm pretty sure it was all sport to them, much like the cat who chases the squirrel, eventually catching it and not knowing what to do. And so, out of breath and reeking of chlorine, I would carry the empty jugs back uphill and start my day.
I guess I should count my blessings; if I had a similar job out here I would have been chased by mountain lions or bears!
I always king of figured I was more of a Dorothy than any other Golden Girl. Rose is sweet but dowdy, Blanche is loyal but sleazy, and Sophia is smarter and wittier than I. Which Golden Girl are you? Take the quiz here!
By the way, even before I stumbled across this fantastic page, I could have told you pretty much everything in the characters' bios, such as where Rose is from (St. Olaf, Minnesota) and Sophia's full name (Petrillo-Weinstock). What can I say, my grandparents loved the Golden Girls and I was along for the hilarious ride!
When I worked at Glenbrook Country Club back in high school, one of my jobs was to bring two 50 lb. jugs of chlorine down to the pump house and dump them into our big old swimming pool. For those who haven't been there, let me paint a visual for you. The main building for the club was on top of a hill; about 600 feet (2 football fields) downhill was our picnic pavilion. To the left of the pavilion was our pumphouse, buried into the hill like a concrete World War 2 bunker. The challenge each morning was to get from the main building to the pumphouse (with 100 lbs of chlorine) before the "Evil Trio" would tear me apart.
The evil trio was a pack of wild dogs that lived in the dense woods that surrounded the country club. They were mangy and mean and had a penchant for early morning antics. Since I usually dumped the chlorine in before the parties began, I was their 7 AM wake up call. Remember that Wile. E Coyote cartoon where he and Sam the Sheepdog clock in and clock out to their jobs as "coyote" and "sheep dog"? It was similar to that, since the dogs never bothered me any other time.
They would emerge for different points in the wooded perimeter, usually as I was about halfway down the hill. My wobbly walk would turn into an arm-wrenching sprint for the pump house. Like any good action movie, they would be closing in on me as I fumbled for the keys to open the lock to the pump house. They never got me, but boy they came close.
Winded, I was prone to getting the chlorine on my clothes and shoes as I poured the heavy jugs into the pump water, which explains why all much of my apparel was stained with white blotches. I still have a "Roll the Bones" shirt from Rush out here in Colorado that has some of the blotches of honor.
Unlike the enemies in Mega Man, the trio was never there when I was done. I'm pretty sure it was all sport to them, much like the cat who chases the squirrel, eventually catching it and not knowing what to do. And so, out of breath and reeking of chlorine, I would carry the empty jugs back uphill and start my day.
I guess I should count my blessings; if I had a similar job out here I would have been chased by mountain lions or bears!
Friday, November 11, 2005
I always king of figured I was more of a Dorothy than any other Golden Girl. Rose is sweet but dowdy, Blanche is loyal but sleazy, and Sophia is smarter and wittier than I. Which Golden Girl are you? Take the quiz here!
By the way, even before I stumbled across this fantastic page, I could have told you pretty much everything in the characters' bios, such as where Rose is from (St. Olaf, Minnesota) and Sophia's full name (Petrillo-Weinstock). What can I say, my grandparents loved the Golden Girls and I was along for the hilarious ride!
Thursday, November 10, 2005
On the drive home from work yesterday, I was subjected to mind-altering advertising that has tattooed one of the most banal songs ever in my brain. While I'm sure the radio station will claim it's a "mistake", I think it was an instance of fabled "guerilla marketing" aimed at helpless (and lazy) drivers. Let me explain.
While waiting at a red light, my '89 Accord shaking violently at idle (thanks to a computer malfunction that would cost 1,000 bucks to repair), I turned up the radio to drown out the sound of pieces falling off my car. As always, I miss the things I want to hear (shows, music, etc) and get thrown right into the thick of a series of obnoxious commercials. On they drone, blah blah blah, low financing, blah blah blah, great rates, until it gets to one particular car company jingle, one of those slogans so annoying and inept you can't help but get it ingrained in your consciousness. And here is the jingle, in all it's glory:
Sound the alert! *honk, honk* Nobody but Burt!
Effective advertising should clue you in to what the product is. Was it Burt Chevrolet, Burt Ford, Burt Industrial Waste Trucks, or Burt Zamboni? I have no idea. What I do know is right after the jingle played once, there was a trademark *click* sound, IE a skipping CD, and then, without mercy:
Sound the alert! *honk, honk* Nobody but Burt! (repeat)
This continued on for a full 4 minutes and 21 seconds!!! Yes, I timed it (we have long red lights out here). Estimating each phrase took about 4 seconds to play, I listened to:
Sound the alert! *honk, honk* Nobody but Burt!
approximately 65 times.
So what was in my head when I woke up this morning, my first thought in greeting this new blessed day?
Sound the alert! *honk, honk* Nobody but Burt!
And what's been rattling around in my skull while I struggle to remember phone numbers and where I left my keys?
Sound the alert! *honk, honk* Nobody but Burt!
It seems that my brain has put HIGH PRIORITY DO NOT ERASE status on this little jingle, right up there with the Juicy Fruit song, the "Thank You for Being a Friend" song from Golden Girls, and the visual image of Balki holding his stuffed sheep Dimetri on the back of a horse drawn cart, holding a sign that reads "America or Burst". Loved ones birthdays? Lost in neural transition. The pin number to my debit card? Not so vital. My blood type? Who knows? What day of the week is it? A mystery to be sure. But what is my response, should someone sound the alert?
*honk, honk* Nobody but Burt!
I can picture it now. As a I lay on my deathbed, racked with old age and feeble of mind, my loved ones gather around me. As I fade in and out of consciousness, unaware of my own name, trying in vain to remember the concerned faces hovering above, for a moment I slip into lucid thought for one last breath on this mortal coil. My glazed-over eyes shimmer with a flash of defiant recognition. I tilt my head and motion them to draw near. As I struggle to fight the waning spirit in my soul, the last fibers of my brain hear a foggy, familiar voice whisper in the distance, "Oh thank goodness, he's awake and alert"
And my last words, uttered out of pure reflex are:
*honk, (cough) honk* Nobody but Burt! (Dies.)
While waiting at a red light, my '89 Accord shaking violently at idle (thanks to a computer malfunction that would cost 1,000 bucks to repair), I turned up the radio to drown out the sound of pieces falling off my car. As always, I miss the things I want to hear (shows, music, etc) and get thrown right into the thick of a series of obnoxious commercials. On they drone, blah blah blah, low financing, blah blah blah, great rates, until it gets to one particular car company jingle, one of those slogans so annoying and inept you can't help but get it ingrained in your consciousness. And here is the jingle, in all it's glory:
Sound the alert! *honk, honk* Nobody but Burt!
Effective advertising should clue you in to what the product is. Was it Burt Chevrolet, Burt Ford, Burt Industrial Waste Trucks, or Burt Zamboni? I have no idea. What I do know is right after the jingle played once, there was a trademark *click* sound, IE a skipping CD, and then, without mercy:
Sound the alert! *honk, honk* Nobody but Burt! (repeat)
This continued on for a full 4 minutes and 21 seconds!!! Yes, I timed it (we have long red lights out here). Estimating each phrase took about 4 seconds to play, I listened to:
Sound the alert! *honk, honk* Nobody but Burt!
approximately 65 times.
So what was in my head when I woke up this morning, my first thought in greeting this new blessed day?
Sound the alert! *honk, honk* Nobody but Burt!
And what's been rattling around in my skull while I struggle to remember phone numbers and where I left my keys?
Sound the alert! *honk, honk* Nobody but Burt!
It seems that my brain has put HIGH PRIORITY DO NOT ERASE status on this little jingle, right up there with the Juicy Fruit song, the "Thank You for Being a Friend" song from Golden Girls, and the visual image of Balki holding his stuffed sheep Dimetri on the back of a horse drawn cart, holding a sign that reads "America or Burst". Loved ones birthdays? Lost in neural transition. The pin number to my debit card? Not so vital. My blood type? Who knows? What day of the week is it? A mystery to be sure. But what is my response, should someone sound the alert?
*honk, honk* Nobody but Burt!
I can picture it now. As a I lay on my deathbed, racked with old age and feeble of mind, my loved ones gather around me. As I fade in and out of consciousness, unaware of my own name, trying in vain to remember the concerned faces hovering above, for a moment I slip into lucid thought for one last breath on this mortal coil. My glazed-over eyes shimmer with a flash of defiant recognition. I tilt my head and motion them to draw near. As I struggle to fight the waning spirit in my soul, the last fibers of my brain hear a foggy, familiar voice whisper in the distance, "Oh thank goodness, he's awake and alert"
And my last words, uttered out of pure reflex are:
*honk, (cough) honk* Nobody but Burt! (Dies.)
Friday, November 04, 2005
Huh--I found out it is perfectly legal to be registered both as a Republican and a Democrat, as well as any other political party you'd like to be a part of.
Now you too can play Homestar's choose your own adventure! Simply follow this link for spooky fun! Let me know the "results"!
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Now you too can play Homestar's choose your own adventure! Simply follow this link for spooky fun! Let me know the "results"!
