And the Jimmy goes to....
Friday, October 28, 2005

I have the hardest time answering the question, "What is your favorite movie?" As it is I'm a bit of a movie snob, though when I like a movie I genuinely regard it as a fine piece of work. I am a firm believer in the Dave Barry theorum that a movie's badness is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. Add to that, if the camera purposely focuses on chunkhead Bruce Willis whispering "witty" threats, you can bet it's an awful experience. It's easy to come up with the worst movies out there--from League of Extraordinary Gentlemen to Face/Off, the litany of pure crap is resoundingly fruitful.

I don't really know what qualifiers work for the films I do like. I liked Forrest Gump, for example. All the standard fantasy movies (except the generic Harry Potter series) I like. I have a special place in my heart for Willow, The Neverending Story, and The Dark Crytsal. But what really qualifies them as the best?

Well, instead of going with quality I decided to go with quantity. So, by this method, my "favorite" movies thus become the most watched movies. Here's my list:

1-Beastmaster
I've seen this movie approximately 6,347 times, most of those viewings before the age of 10. Beastmaster was genuine grade A independent channel fodder, and WPIX 20 (where I once picked a puppet's nose on live TV) and WSBK 38 out of Boston showed this film 30 times a week. WFOX 5 out of NY had a good showing as well. It's actually not a bad movie, though the loin clothes were somewhat upsetting. I loved the animals and HATED the part where the bad guy, in an act of true stinkiness, tosses one of the animal heroes into the fire. And that weird blue glowing liquid! To sum it up, Beastmaster wins and I believe there were 2 sequels.

2-Clash of the Titans
One of our first VHS tapes back in the day, Amy and I probably watched this one a good 5,190 times. And while most people think it's ultra-corny today, I loved it! The Medusa was way scary and most of the bad guys, roughly animated as they were, were creepy. Again, my favorite character was Bobo, the mechanical owl. Oh, how I longed for a Bobo of my own! Forged by the gods, his head could spin 360 degrees. He ruled.

3-Condor PBS Documentary

When spending my summers in Maine with Gram and Gramp B, we got all of three TV stations. We got a local channel (13 I think), a network channel, and PBS. I'm not sure how it came to be, but the PBS station seemed to run 24 hour viewings of a Condor special, for it was ALWAYS on. And for some reason, I always watched it. Even though I knew that feeding the chick with the rubber condor head turned out successfully, I was oddly riveted by the plight if this hideous bird. And not only was it always on, it must have shown for 5 years, every summer. By the rules I set early, I'm guessing I watched this one 4,567 times so it wins third place, even though it's not technically a movie.

The End of the Season
Thursday, October 27, 2005
With the victorious White Sox concluding a surprising run to the World Series, baseball goes into dormancy for another winter. There is something bittersweet about the last game of the year, with the promise of spring training far on the other side of 5 months of sports not played on dirt. In my own life, there was the ceremonial putting away of the glove and the bat in the closet, tucked away until the fresh scents of spring meant chilly practices and a whole, crisp, clean new page for every team that plays the game. Then one year, the bat and glove stayed in the darkness of the closet come spring, never to emerge again. There was no reason to abandon the game, to let it go so effortlessly, and I'm sure I'm not alone in wishing it had been different.

So we watch the games on TV, watch the guys living out the scenarios we always imagined in countless back yard games, vicariously living through that moment of grace where we could be boys again. Somewhere in that joyous pigpile on the mound, a select group has been granted a reprieve from reality for just a while, until spring comes anew.

In Honor of National Video Game Day
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
I figured I'd list my 5 greatest gaming accomplishments:

1-The incident that video game day is named for: the defeating of both Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and The Adventures of Bayou Billy for the first time ever, on the original NES, October 29th, 1990. No cheats, just pure gaming.

2-Gold medal on the Battle of Endor, Rogue Leader, Gamecube.

3-Completing all the Very Hard chapters of F-Zero GX: Story Mode.

4-Beating Blazing Lazers for the Turbo Grafx 16, no cheats.

5-First time beating Street Fighter 2 in the arcade, with my Dad watching. Playing as Blanka in Wells, Maine. Not a difficult accomplishment now we have the home games to practice, but it was my first arcade game I "beat". (Well, except for those you feed hundreds of quarters into IE Final Fight, The Simpsons, TMNT, X-Men, Terminator 2, etc.)

Notice I didn't mention the beating of such NES classics as Battletoads, Ghosts N' Goblins, Ninja Gaiden, Mike Tyson's Punch Out, Castlevania, etc. All are great games and tough too, but I was able to handle them without too much frustration. Truth be said, the Battle of Endor gold might have been the hardest thing to get, though chapter 5 in F-Zero GX ( I think that's it, the "Save Jody" chapter)is a huge pain.

I've also done some crazy things like the knife only run in Resident Evil and no-power up runs through Contra. Heck, why not post your greatest gaming moments in honor of this fine week!?

Ewww, the humanity
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
There's not many creeps in video games that are bonafide scary. One such character is the "legion", AKA Granfaloon, that screaming mass of humanity out to attack various vampire slayers in assorted Castlevania games. While today's connotation of "legion" makes us think of a military group, Legion was originally a demon from the Bible that possessed men and was "composed of many". So, essentially, it's the same thing as the ill-will goo from Ghostbusters 2.

To jump thoughts, it's a shame that the Christian Old Testament was derived more from the more stoic Torah and not the Talmud. The Torah, in essence, was a lot of legal mumbo jumbo, laws, housing codes, mixed in with some tales of moral value. The Talmud reads more like a storybook, with twists and turns, characters that exist merely to personify the vagary of life, and so on. Lesbians everywhere cling to the tale of the mythic Lilith, the gal from the Garden who didn't want to answer to 'no man (or, for that matter, no God).

Back to the Bibilical Legion. Legion was essentially one man who got possessed by multiple demons, and if we read the New Testament as literature and not scripture, a clever metaphor for Roman interference. In a rather humanistic touch, the demons possessing said man plead with Jesus to free them from their unholy obligation, IE a return visit to the depths of Hell. Jesus extracts the spirits and puts them into a herd of nearby pigs (as if you couldn't tell, the Jews of old really had something against poor pigs). The swine herd then drowned themselves in the Sea of Galilee, assumedly freeing the demons and of course, purging Legion.

The moral of the story: you CAN learn stuff from video games! And the other moral is my lunch break is over, so back to work!

More Bad News
Monday, October 24, 2005
It's unbelievable, the string of awful events of this year. Everytime I hear news, it's bad news-- and not just menial stuff, really awful news. Besides all of what has already happened--

I get a call from John, (which is actually good news), but I heard the urgency of bad news in his voice. It turns out our friend Mike McCarthy, AKA Mr. Blonde, was working under his car when the jack holding it up failed. The weight of the car crushed his skull and he's in really bad shape (but alive). I don't know more than that, other than he is in the hospital and still had bleeding in his brain.

This Monday, Jody awoke to find her truck had been broken into, stereo stolen, and the dashboard completely destroyed. While a bad enough event on its own, it comes on the heels of a lot of family tragedy for her, so it's like a pig-pile on her soul. The anger you feel makes those Islamic laws of chopping off fingers for stealing seem pretty reasonable.

Add to that, the ongoing struggles of other friends: Sheila's mentor and close friend, in the prime of life, has been diagnosed with liver cancer. This is the fourth instance of cancer in the past year in someone directly involved in my days. Actually, there is a fifth: Megan's (John's wife) cousin Heather, a senior in college, has a dangerous potentially fatal brain tumor that is being worked on. While I have never met her, I certainly know how hard it is for John and Megan. A work acquaintance recently was in a horrible car accident, leaving her in bad shape for a long time. And while I suppose I should be grateful for no first hand troubles (well, except the same stupid car/work/bad choices type stuff), it's just as hard, if not harder, to see friends go through this.

Of course, life deals its lumps but it's heartrending watching good friends suffer and being able to do little. I feel like I've been repeating "that's life" and "it'll be ok" like a rote automaton these days, murmuring out words of comfort that do little to ease the pain. Add to that, it amplifies the normal struggles in my (our) lives: relationships, work, family, everything feels the shockwave of bad news. It's been bad news for like 4 years out here, very little good has happened in contrast to the devastating events they should be balancing.

Anyway...I know it's important to be positive, but damn...I wish the sorrow and frustration could let up for even a month or two. And sure, "that's life" but all these bad things make it feel very one-sided in the favor of the negative.

War Against the Meter Maid Part IX
Friday, October 21, 2005
There may be no section of the populous more hated than meter readers. In the meter maid we see an individual that possesses a freakishly serious, devoted, and no-nonsense approach to a job whose only purpose is to make people's days worse. It's as if they are being rewarded with a satchel of gold dubloons for every ticket handed out, but punished by the tearing off their fingernails should they miss a car that has been over-parked at a meter for 41 seconds. I can only think there must be some unspeakable punishment for the rare meter-reader who lets the guy still physically in his car pull away without slapping a stupid fine on his windshield. And while they rank below rent-a-cop security guards on both the pay scale and general clout, these unsmiling troopers treat their job with an importance one doesn't see in the medical profession. Merciless in their pursuit of screwing over John Q. Public, there is no doubt in my mind they would ground kittens into cheese dip should their higher-ups command them to do so.

And now we learn why-- apparently meter readers are born without hearts. True story. To sum it up, a meter-maid comes up to a car with an old guy in it, apparently sleeping or dead. Instead of, I don't know, knocking on the window to see if he's OK or calling the real police to investigate, THE GUY GIVES HIM A PARKING TICKET! It turns out he really was dead (or at least he was by the time someone found him). Despite that fact, I bet the meter maid would defend the decision, saying "If he didn't want the ticket, he should have stayed alive, simple as that".

The story has inspired me to continue the development of the mysterious super hero known only as "I BREAK METER-READERS NECKS". That's his formal name AND his job. There's no way you could hate him, as his sole purpose in life is to dispense of soul-less, smug, ticket toters. When speaking of soulless creatures, even vampires have some redeeming qualities--not so for the powerful and cruel meter maid. I BREAK METER READERS NECKS would be a boon for justice and all would delight as he snapped the C7 of that smug bastard who insists on putting a 50 dollar fine on my car for having my front left tire one electron over the yellow line of the library parking space.

What Is It?
Thursday, October 20, 2005

Does anyone know for sure what the old Quebec Nordiques logo actually represents? Is it a polar-bear cut in half by a hockey stick? Or perhaps some kind of polar bear/zamboni love child? Post your best guesses here!

PS-- Don't look up the real answer, k? Cause I'm sure it's out there.

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
*check bank account*

*sighs*

Well, I certainly qualify for "tired" and "poor"; I'm not quite eligible for "huddled masses yearning to breathe free" just yet. Don't get me wrong, I like to breathe free as much as the next guy, just not while huddling in a mass.

Luckily, a small, sugary beam of sunshine has shone upon me, for at the Albertson's across from my apartment, Count Chocula, Frankenberry, and Boo-Berry are all on sale for $1 per box! These rare treats are harder and harder to come by every year (didn't they used to dominate the grocery store shelves?!) I fear my beloved Fruit Brute, the seldom mentioned fourth powerhouse of the monster-based cereals, has been phased out. Still, you take what you can get.

By the way has anyone ever noticed the Boo Berry ghost looks vaguely like Farrakhan?

AKA Driver
Monday, October 17, 2005
Congrats to my cousin David who passed his driver's test earlier this week! Unlike his brother Marc, David does not seem to be utterly terrified at the prospect of navigating an actual automobile down an actual street. As Marc fearfully noted upon his first few attempts operating a vehicle, "When you step on the gas, it goes!" An astute observation, indeed.

My greatest wish for David is that his automobile luck has enough of a non-Dziezynski influence that he'll never experience the thrill of having a wheel completely detach from his car.

I might add the little known fact that I actually failed my first attempt to get my own license, for the stupidest of reasons. Our test consisted of ten questions, multiple choice, on a single piece of paper. I answered all ten correctly and still failed--how, might you ask? There were four questions on the BACK of the piece of paper I completely neglected (what kind of test has 14 questions?!). When I turned in my test, the jerk who evaluated them did so right in front of me. When he noted that I had left the MULTIPLE CHOICE questions blank on the back, I assumed he would give me a second to fill them in and finish the test. Instead, he said, "You forgot to answer these 4 questions, which means you fail the test. You can go home now, you aren't eligible for the driving portion." There wasn't anything I could do, which really sucks when you are sixteen. I wasn't supposed to be home for another 3 hours, so my parents were a little surprised to see me.

Anyhow, a couple of weeks later I re-took the test, this time on a computer. I got all my "written" questions correct and had no problem with the driving portion. Hopefully, my curse of a thousand unknown poxes upon the ungracious tester of my first exam came to be in many itchy, horrible ways.

Oh and Marc, don't feel bad about your fear of cars. I have the same trepidation about another popular (though outdated) form of transportation: horses. I want nothing to do with those tiny-brained giants, so I suppose if we were to warp back a couple of hundred years, I would have been the Marc of the middle ages!

Jokey's Joke Box Prank Goes Horribly Wrong
Thursday, October 13, 2005
As always, I couldn't make this stuff up.

The Dog From UPS
Wednesday, October 12, 2005

San Diego Zoo'd
Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Watching the Yankees trainwreck of a season come to an end had a certain satisfaction that goes just beyond being a Red Sox fan. Never before has baseball gathered such a tribe of unlikeable players--from the acknowledged cheating juicers of Giambi and Sheffield, to the ineffective millionaire A-Rod, from the hideous Hideki to the whine-a-lot pitching staff, the lack of team chemistry was evident from opening day.

So it was with pleasure we got to see A-Rod and Sheffield choke big time when it counts. Perhaps there is karma in baseball, eh? And while of course the fat pay checks these guys bring home will always give them the last laugh over working stiffs like me, it's nice to see a little bit of justice in the sporting world.

Of course, do you really think the Steinbrenner is all that heartbroken? He's a businessman and his amazing marketing of this team brought over 4 million paying fans into Yankee stadium, a new record. As crude as this team is, he was smart enough to keep a few likeable players (Jeter, Williams, Posada, Martinez, and Cano) to keep those fringe fans who barely follow baseball coming back for more.

Anyhow, I'm looking forward to the Angels White Sox match up. These are two very balanced teams (though I wish Frank Thomas was active for the 'Sox-he's one of the last pure power hitters in the game). As for the NL series, I think the Cards are going to rip the Astros--I think this is their year.

Cartographer Jr.!
Thursday, October 06, 2005
For a bigger look check out this link here!

Those of you who have been out to visit may recognize this old favorite, it's good old Mount Sanitas! This little peak is right in town and is a training peak for a lot of locals. I hiked up with my new GPS the other day and played with the software to create this cool map. I'm sure it can be tweaked (for example, the accuracy of the distances is off, only because I was too lazy to convert the track log into a route). The elevations are right on though, and the profile of the topography is spot on!

This could be a lot of fun! I'm going to try and do Mount Alice tonight in the same fashion. Comments? Questions? Suggestions (except from graphic designers, you can be snide to yourselves thank you very much!)

GPS Madness
Monday, October 03, 2005
Oh sweet, sweet Thales navigation! Thank you for initially sending me a Meridian Color GPS, then an eXplorist 600 upon which to track the world! You won't be disappointed!

I've always liked GPS stuff and we're just now getting to phase two of the technology. I'm going to hike up Mount Sanitas tonight with the new 600 and make some maps and stats and stuff and I'll get 'em posted somewhere on my web site this week.

This past weekend was Mount Alice,13,330 ft., and let me tell you, for a peak with such a girly name it's a pretty burly climb. Want to know more? Read my book when it comes out :) hehehe


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